The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
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Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.