Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“He seems kind of rude”

“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”

“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”

Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.

Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.

The comment ads on twitter are so trippy

“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”

Whey they go low, I go high*

*can’t bend over due to age

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job