Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

*Telephone Rings*

Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?

Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

God: you’re a parrot.

Parrot: ok.

God: you can repeat everything you hear.

Parrot: humans are the worst.

God: uh what?

Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.

God:

Parrot:

God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?

Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG