The cops knocked on my door and said, we’re looking for a burglar with one eye.
I said, wouldn’t it be better if you used both eyes.
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JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
I didn’t know they can drive…
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude