Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!

me: [walks around the room]

video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?

My husband’s closet:

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.

Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.

(one hour later)

Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.

Stomach: Gross

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.