Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.