The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
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*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
😂😂😂
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”