The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
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When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start