The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
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Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.