Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”

“thats $2,380”

(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”

real

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes

or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess

I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”