the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
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WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.