Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.

4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”

“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.

(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)

Me: omg now what

HR: shirts aren’t optional

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you