The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
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Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Love this guy
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.