The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
You Might Also Like
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
