The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
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I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?