The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
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Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
How do I get a job writing these texts
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I will never stop laughing at this
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”