the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
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Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I’m aging like a fine banana
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Looking at a set of 4 placemats on sale for $60.00 from a popular cooking supplies store, “oh you got jokes”
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.