Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect

A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.