the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
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I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
