the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
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recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
How to wake up a Beagle
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
