the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
You Might Also Like
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
you have three unread messages
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
