Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills

He took my last fry, your honor

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve

[doctor’s]

INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”

me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.