the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
You Might Also Like
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
somebody come look at this
me after drinking all the wine:
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
huge valentines day plans this year!!
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?