The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Lmfaoooooo
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds