The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
You Might Also Like
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Imma just leave this here…………
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
marvel comics have peaked
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Genius idea!!