The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
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*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I just love that new Pope smell.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later