The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
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I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering, where you hold an object in your hands for a minute and if it doesn’t bring you any joy you say goodbye.
So far I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the hoover, and a pile of ironing…
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.
This is my favorite one of these!
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store