The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

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Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.


me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue


Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.


I cried during that sad part of Titanic, when Rose threw that beautiful diamond in the ocean.


A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally


[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.


Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.


I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.


*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.


I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long