@Jake_Vig

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

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@Skoog

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

@I_am_Lukem

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

@fuzzlime

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

@nsterdan

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

@TimmySeiler

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

@Ideal_Victoria

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

@SteveSuckington

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

@squirrel74wkgn

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?