@Jake_Vig

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

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@AbrasiveGhost

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

@ShellHasDragons

My husband and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.

@hrtbps

My New Year’s resolution is *removes sunglasses* 2048×1080. I’ll explain. *perches on desk* You see, the word ‘resolution’ can also refer t

@stephenjmolloy

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

@iLikeCatShirts

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

@adamhess1

So if Humpty Dumpty is an egg, what species is the thing inside him? Another egg?
“No I mean do you have any questions about the job?”

@Dirty_Naomi

2 Jehovah’s witnesses knocked earlier, so I invited them in. I gave 1 the hoover & 1 a mop.

If they can do Gods work, they can do mine.