The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
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Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
SCARY COSTUME
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”