Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Cyd10e

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

@NECROMANClNG

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

@TheAlexNevil

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

@RowanElHossary

I cried during that sad part of Titanic, when Rose threw that beautiful diamond in the ocean.

@annadrezen

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

@NotMarkAllen

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

@Juststopkate

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

@Darlainky

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

@ACartoonCat1

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

@MichaelaOkla

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long