The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
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“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.