The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
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[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
feetloaf
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles