@fro_vo

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

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@Cpin42

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

@1followernodad

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

@sensual_dad

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

@Fickle_Filly

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

@chuuew

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

@wumother

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

@jimmytorosian

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

@mdob11

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

@h2_eh

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.