the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
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If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor