If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
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best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.
And you’ve got two faces.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.