the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
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doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Cool shirt 🙂
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am