The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
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Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
“Worm Regards”
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”