Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper

me: [from a distance] just open it

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?

[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

Excel sheet: People hate me.

Fitted sheet: Join the club.

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.