the council will decide your fate
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Yup!
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
My favorite female superhero
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.