Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

“Either shave your legs or kiss me”

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that

Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”

Me: “that’s a goat.”

Son: “Why?”

Me: …