the council will decide your fate
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Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.