The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
You Might Also Like
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags