The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
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It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Lucky old June.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
every man in east london
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.