Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

product manager: what color should we make the bottle

guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine

Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.

happy halloween

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know