The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
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My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”