Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?

I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.