The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
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I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.