the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
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I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
My time has come.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.