the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
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Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
That de-escalated quickly
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Wednesday
