The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
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In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.