Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.

OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!

-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee

Me. I’m the person.

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word