The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
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I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.