The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
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Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
hear me out : pockets for your socks
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
thank god