The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
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[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.