The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
No.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
