The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
We’ve all been there…
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
