The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
