The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
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I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”