The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
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[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
My purse is deeper than some people.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I thought this was funny lol
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.