The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
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Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.