the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
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For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?