the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
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My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
His flabber was gasted 😂
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
WTF IS THAT!
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”