The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
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i feel so bad i refunded him
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
My Plans 2020
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.