The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
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If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.