Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.