The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
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“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.