The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
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Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best