The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
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Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I am thick and tired. 🙄
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?