The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
You Might Also Like
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
Customize Your Wedding.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
bad news gang
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
🍞🦆
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.