The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
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My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I didn’t realize that was an option
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.