Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground

Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving