Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information

I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.

Rambo Rambow

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

[1st day as police officer]

PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!

ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]

Neo:

Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which