the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I’m shocked it offended you, I was certain someone was gonna need to explain it to you.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
