The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
(by @ZachWeiner )
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
“FRAAANCE!”
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.