The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
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Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
you could not pay me to delete this app
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
goldfish mafia
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.