the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
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It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match