the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
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5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast