the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
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If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
We made a comic about a space heater.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds