Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?

ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words

WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it

WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?

MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

*beach*

Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!

Me: I guess that makes you a liar.

Lifeguard: Excuse me?!

Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.

2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

This makes total sense…

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.